Anxiety and Relationships

Do you struggle with anxiety? Do you struggle with negative thoughts and fears? Are you dealing with all this internal turmoil while attempting to build a relationship with someone special?

Many of us answer yes to these questions. Some of us were blessed with a picturesque childhood with great role models and strong examples of how to deal with life. Others not so much. Regardless of your childhood, anxiety can affect you. You then have a choice: let this terrible feeling control me, or I will control this terrible feeling. There really isn't anything in the middle.

The other day, a friend asked me if it is normal to have such bad anxiety that you vomit? My short answer was, yes, that is bad. Then I asked some follow up questions. Sometimes panic sets in for good reason. That is what I intended to ascertain. Was there a legitimate cause for this attack? It turned out that, in my not so humble opinion, there was not a good reason.

My friend has a girlfriend. She has not been delt the best hand. With a mother that does not provide comfort or assurance and a father that would appear to be completely subservient to his wife. Throughout her life, it has been one stressful situation after another with parental units degrading her self esteem on an hourly basis. It almost appears that shitting on their daughter is a hobby.

This girl is crazy about her boyfriend. Grateful for how kind he is and just all around smitten. My friend did grow up with good parents that supported him and built his confidence during his childhood. The boy's parents gave constant examples of how to build a strong relationship and support each other, showing affection and affirmation on a daily basis.

The reason for the panic attack: Fear of a breakup. An irrational and emotional fear that appears to be based on all the examples from her childhood of people leaving her.

What do you tell them? How can this situation be softened.

I can relate. I too suffered anxiety and overbearing negative thoughts. Fortunately for me, I have a great deal of life experience to lean on in moments of doubt. With that experience comes the ability to look at situations and judge them logically. I have also sat through many therapy sessions that helped teach me to deal with stressful situations.

My parents were both narcissistic. Mother an immature narcissist and father a sociopathic narcissist...talk about having the perfect examples of what not to do in life. Also, by the age of two, my mother and all her family despised my father; for good reason. My mother's mother referred to me as devil spawn. Not entirely wrong, but still incredibly difficult for a 5 year old to process. That is one example of the level of vociferous opinionated people that were in my family...they all adored a heavy verbal confrontation.

Specifically on the topic of relationship fears, I was once a clingy mate filled with self doubt and fear. Much of this was based on my lack of positive support as a child and many examples of people that developed close relationships with me going away. Second to that was the argumentative nature of my family...very italian. Whether moving geographically or spiritually, those that really took care of me all went away.

The girl I fell in love with was never able to share her feelings. Nothing was ever wrong. There were no problems at all. Everything was great. It was all bullshit. She had her crosses to bare just like everyone else. Some of which were incredibly heavy. It was the inability to share these troubles that was incredibly debilitating for me. I just could not understand how someone could keep everything bottled up inside? How big the relationship problems must have been to need to hide them. This engulfed my mind constantly for over a decade. What is wrong? Did I do something to hurt her? And with every, "nothing is wrong," the rabbit hole of despair would get deeper sending me into panic and despair. Often begging for the truth of what the issues were. Still, being so crazy about her, there was nothing to do but fight the problems. With time, constant reassurance, and a bit of professional counseling, she emerged a strong woman able to truly connect to my soul. But this isn't a post about me. Maybe some of that narcissism is genetic. Still I share to point out that I do have an understanding for the causation and the cure. Knowing the cause is half the battle, but only the lesser half. Learning how to overcome the issues and not let them control us is the larger half.

Logic is the most important thing...fight the fear with clear logic. Approach the problems from the stance that we are being irrational and need to look at the situation as a spectator. "If this was my friend, how would I counsel them" The scenario here is that we have an emotionally charged female in a positive relationship but lacking the confidence to believe it is deserved or likely to be evergreen. Everyone else has left so why wouldn't this person leave me too? Well, we must affirm to ourselves that the actions of one is not indicative of the actions of another. Just because the last boyfriend tossed me to the curb like a moldy donut, does not mean that all others will do the same. Next we must accept whatever legitimacy there is to our fears. Lets face it, relationships come and go. Some of them become forever, but tomorrow is promised to no one. We must logically accept, especially early in life, that a relationship might end. We must also factor in that there are generally signs when we are moving toward a relation-shit. It is rarely without warning. Of course, if you choose an untruthful mate, then there may not be any signs. I happen to know my friend is a truly honorable man. He would not lie to his girl. He is also a fairly quiet man. The type of guy that will not share his deep feelings openly. If he fears you will not like the answer, he wont answer, but he will not lie. His girlfriend should recognize this. I believe deep down she does know this to be true. If logic were at play, we would not be discussing this at all. But, alas, this is an emotional state we are discussing.

The voices scream inside that she is not good enough for him, that she has no attractive qualities and he has simply settled until someone better wanders past. At no point has this man provided any examples of this behavior but that does not really matter. The subconscious just knows he wont stay.

How does one battle this self-doubt? Many brain studies have been done that show how our brain develops. They have shown how suggestive our subconscious is. They have shown how we create rhythms of thought that are very difficult to change. Nobody wants to do the work to correct negative thoughts and doubt. Nobody believes they can retrain their brain. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to fight negativity on a moment by moment basis. Every single time a negative thought enters our mind, we must immediately tell ourselves they are not true and immediately provide a positive thought.

Ex: "I am not good enough. He will leave me." This must be countered with something like, "Troy, you are good enough and she is crazy about you." Every time. No matter what else is happening, these negative thoughts must be battled against. There is also something about talking to yourself by name. This was a method I read in a book. It does work. Somehow it subconsciously separates us from ourselves. We must then follow up this affirmation with some examples of how your mate has shown their care for you. "They must really care about me...remember how he served me dinner and cleared my place." And, that smile he gave me in the car...that was true happiness that he gains from me. This is the long process of rewiring your brain. Synapses have habits. They can be negative. They can be positive. If you are stuck in negative brain, you must exercise positivity. This will be the long game. In the short term, we can practice breathing exercises like box breathing, and replacing the troubled thoughts with happy thoughts, like puppies.

This is not an easy thing, especially without being educated on how to approach such problems.

There is another uncomfortable detail that we should mention. Negative thoughts beget negative actions. Meaning if we constantly tell ourselves that something bad will happen, something bad will happen. It will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Really what happens in relationships is the mate will eventually get tired of "proving" their love. If every time you have the belief that your mate will vacate, eventually they will realize that all their effort is for nothing...no matter what they do, their mate still believes they will leave, it becomes painful and untenable. That partner will go and find someone that can accept them at face value and not force them to continually prove themselves.

A relationship must be based on trust and faith. You must have faith that your special someone cares for you and will be there for you. You must trust your mate until they give you specific reason not to trust them. To enter into a relationship with the overwhelming assumption that your other will hurt and lie to you, It will happen. In most cases, those that enter on faith and believe in trust will thrive. Not to mention, who wants to live in fear and misery. Focus on the positives and move forward as a team. Share your thoughts and fears. Share the worst of you with them and allow yourself to have faith it is good and will be good. Hide nothing. Share every terrible thought and then believe your mate when they answer your fears. Do not discount their response. Believe it. Tell yourself repeatedly that they are honest with you and carry on.